Do’s and Don’ts on Alcohol Consumption

I love alcohol. My goal one day, after I become wealthy, is to own a vineyard so I can then start making the world a better place, one wine bottle at a time. I’m a bit concerned that writing my experience with drinking alcohol will bite me in the ass one day: like when I decide to run for the President of the United States. I worry that people will criticize me similar to how they criticized George W. Bush for smoking marijuana. O.k., enough already, let me get started.

Question: Is it better to eat a lot of meat or eat a lot of carbohydrates before drinking alcohol so you don’t get drunk too fast?

Answer: After years of experience and consultation with my drinking friends, we have decided that neither is better than the other. As long as you eat food that closes your stomach, you will get drunk slower. 

Question: Is it bad to mix alcohol? For instance, drink wine, beer, dark liquor, light liquor on the same night?

Answer: Yes, it is. Try not to mix because you increase your chances of experiencing a bad hangover. If you must mix, do the following combinations:

  • Go from light (colored) liquor to dark liquor. Do not go from dark liquor to light liquor. So, do not drink Jameson then end with Vodka.
  • Try not to drink champagne then drink wine and vice versa.

Question: Can I build my tolerance?

Answer: No. How fast your body can process alcohol depends on your gender, weight and height. Normally, the body takes one hour to process one drink which is equivalent to 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, 1.5 oz of  hard liquor. Some people think that they’re able to increase their level of tolerance by practicing. I think they might be smoking something. 

Question: What am I supposed to do if I can’t stop puking?

Answer: I don’t know.

Question: What helps with hangovers?

Answer: Over the years, I’ve tried water, sports drinks that have a lot of vitamins, fresh fruit juice and food. I’ve also been told to take a vitamin pill after you’re done drinking, before you go to sleep. I think all these work but sometimes your hangover is just too powerful. 

So, allow me to introduce you to IV shots to your home. This was recommended by a couple of my friends. The IV shots start at $150 (no joke). For the record, I have never tried this.

Question: Should I operate an automobile after I drink a lot?

Answer: Should you tell a woman she’s fat?


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