Monologue Jokes – Week of 1/21/13

At last week’s NBA game, a fan successfully made a half court shot, winning $75,000. To the fan’s surprise, Miami Heat Star, Lebron James tackled him to the ground with a hug. When asked what he would do with the money, the fan replied, “medical bills.”

Tina Turner is renouncing her U.S. citizenship to become a citizen of Switzerland. I have to say I am pretty neutral about this.

While performing at the Inaugural Ball, Usher tore his pants in the crotch area.
A) Anthony Weiner pulled out his camera.
B) He finally answered teenage girls’ question, “boxers or briefs?”

On February of 2013, the Grand Central Terminal will turn 100 years old.
On February of 2013, nobody will care.

Next month, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will host a campaign fundraiser at his California home for New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie. Each head will be $3,800.
A) Mrs. Zuckerberg, Priscilla Chan said, “I am not cooking!”
B) Guest are forbidden to “check-in” because Mr. Zuckerberg wants people to respect his privacy.

A few days ago, a federal judge sentenced an ex-CIA officer to more than 2 years in prison for leaking torture information to a journalist. “Oops! Too late now,” Kathryne Bigelow said.

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